Unlike my previous post (read it!), this won’t be too long. I go back to that disgusting feeling I’m trying to bury with tons of tasks (trust me, there are plenty of them). For some reason, I can’t find a way to “reduce” this feeling into a faint heartbeat that I will return to when I’m idle again. Quoting REO Speedwagon out of context, “I can’t fight this feeling anymore.”
This awful feeling starts with the realization that some (READ: many, many) younger people (I think this obsession with youth may give the impression that I am a middle-aged bastard that writes like a hateful teenager) live more fun, successful, fulfilling, and *insert synonyms here* lives than me (I can take it when people beat you in one or two of those components… but three?). Instead of the usual shit on how “I will work harder, and maybe I will be able to ‘reach their level’,” I take the “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?” route.
To prove that I am of this generation, I quote a less old artist (this may or may not be out of context). Stacie Orrico once sang, “There’s gotta be more to life than chasing out every temporary high to satisfy me.” Perhaps what I am doing now is nothing more than a temporary high, that I am busying myself just to mask the fact that I am “The M Word” (What is “The M Word”? Click the link above, or just read further, to find out). Perhaps “busying myself” isn’t the problem here; it’s what I’m busy with that’s the problem.
I am not the type that puts in a lot of effort into something I hate. Despite that, a part of me wishes that I’m doing something else: something bigger, better, and all those adjectives used to convey the message of yearning for something of a higher level. Despite this yearning, I never really had a clue on how to take it to the next level, which is unnerving, to say the least. From this begins a war against mediocrity, a war that I need to win, but can’t seem to.
Maybe this is all why I have a high tolerance for “arrogance,” since I fall for the trap they set with their demeanour: that they are, for the lack of a better term, better (although I can sense when hubris sets in; when that happens, I can’t help but laugh).
Like I said, this entry is short, so don’t hate on the underdeveloped ideas.
On a lighter note, TV shows (at least the ones I watch) are coming back! Watch out for my opening entry regarding that… not that you care.
– if you reach this point without skipping anything, I commend you! –